ENLIGHTENED: Empowered Weekend Away 2013 [EWA13]

Hi there everyone!

Okay, so this is my very first post and also a very late one, but I will still like to share this with all of you since EWA13 was a very powerful retreat that I have been to. Beforehand, I would like to apologise everyone if you find this unmeaningful and not worth to read. I'm still new. However, lets get to what I wish to share with all of you :)

SO, you must be wondering what's EWA? Well, its basically a short, simple retreat for Form5&6 leavers/High school leavers, college and uni students and young working adults. Through this retreat, we are being prepared physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually on how we shall stand up and defend up on our faith. I wont be writing much on this part so if you want to know more, do take a look at this event page in FB though its over.. :)

https://www.facebook.com/events/525024000844145/

Alright, I shall start sharing my experience in this retreat in which I will do it in a day-to-day basis as I did a journalling of it before posting this up.. Also, most of the time the praise and worship session are the ones that struck me in many different ways and I do not know why. There were many other sessions were in the schedule and it DID struck me but it was not as powerful as during the praise and worship sessions. So do understand yeah? :)

Day 1(24/1/13)

Honestly telling you, I did not really know why I came to this retreat. Is it a calling? Maybe but I did not seem to feel it. So mainly I came to this retreat out of curiosity and thinking that this would be a fun one and might even help me to get into a suitable college or something!(I know it sounds ridiculous, but seriously, I did think of so.. :O) And so, there were two sessions of praise and worship(P&W) on this day. For the last session of P&W on that day, our beloved guest speaker, Andre Ong led us into worship. He told us this: "Whatever that you have in heart right now, whether you are aware of it or not, lift it up all to God. Good or bad, don't care, just lift it up for God wants you to throw out all the insides of you so He can hear what your heart's desire are! Be it worship and praise among His name or even something you have done wrong and you wish to confess about it. He wants to hear it."

And so at that moment, when I came to think of what I wanted to lift up to God, my mind was blank..like a piece of clean, blank, unwritten and untouched white A4 paper! Because I really could not find what I wanted to express to God, I said a short prayer in heart, asking God to fill me with His Holy Spirit so that I may express whatever I really REALLY want to tell Him that is hidden from me. I wanted to be open with God.

For the first song, we sang Kau Rajaku by True Worshippers as it was requested by Andre himself. In mind, I was like, "OH NO, why this song again? We've been singing it for three weeks straight in youth gatherings and also during the first P&W session just now. I'm so sick of it!" BUT, I did not see what was coming after me. This is because this song was the one that shook me in the heart real big. So as we were all P&W-ing, I tried my really best to focus by closing my eyes and not to care of how the song has got into my nerves and being annoyed of it. After some time, I do not know how, I just felt like being pushed by an unknown force. True enough there were no hands that was in contact with me or else I could feel it.

My legs felt as if they were being moved by hands. It was like little girls trying to make their Barbie doll to walk by moving its legs or some sort. It really felt like that! I was moving from left to right to front and back! Sure enough the force grew stronger and I was moving even more and eventually, knocked few people by their arm, legs or even items. Then it came a time that I became so scared to even move one step for I really do not know where I was going. After too much of doing so, I fell on my knees and cried to God saying, "Oh Lord! I'm so scared of this! Help me Lord, help me!"

Then, BOOM! A flick of what has been buried in me all these while came up in mind. I was so afraid of the outside world that I myself was not even confident enough to step up and defend my Catholic faith. This is because I know that I WILL be away from home as the course I wish to take later in my college only has good offers in the Peninsular Malaysia. The ones in Kuching/Sarawak has very limited offers and if they do, the uni or college isn't really running in a good condition. THAT'S WHY. Also, over at P.Malaysia the population of other religions besides Christian or even Catholics is much higher than that in Sarawak here. SO, I was also quite afraid that I might fall into 'traps' and convert to another religion. I was this afraid because I love God a lot and I love being a Catholic too. I was just scared of being lost when I'm all alone there..

BUT, God proved me wrong. Although at that point I was crying hard as I really got in touch with reality and knowing how the outside world life would be, a warm feeling wrapped around whole being. It felt like I was sitting next to a big bonfire or even in the middle of a big ring of fire. It was so warm, I felt comfort in it. Normally to my experience, this warm feeling isn't that hot as how I felt that day and it normally last only for a while. But for this, It lasted throughout the P&W session. From that on, I got a flick of message that ran into my mind and I knew it was from God.

He said to me, "My daughter, do not be afraid for I am with you, forever and always I will be with you. You are kept safe in my arms and no one can harm you."

From then on, I knew why I was at that retreat-it WAS a calling after all.. A calling from God :) Through this experience, I was keen to learn in growing stronger and to defend my Catholic faith. I just need to know how and through this retreat, I knew all that I learn will make me a stronger person. :)

**Day 1 Extras**

I shared this experience with my group[Group 4] as we had a sharing time among our group before late night supper and they really gave me words of encouragement. To my surprise, they said this was not really a big issue as it is always something new we should learn. After all, we will get used to it some day. However, they did advise me to firstly find a Catholic church near the campus so that I can go to weekly Sunday masses and that my faith will be increased and renewed every week. Furthermore, this advice should not only be taken in by me alone but by all the other freshmen high school graduates too!! Or even to those who are planning to migrate, etc. :)

Day 2(25/1/13)

Okay, honestly on this day, I don't remember much as I did not do journalling on the night before I go to bed. Furthermore, I was very tired as it was a SUPER long day for a friend of mine, Lou, and I as we had minor diarrhoea. Surprisingly, only the both of us got food poisoning and the rest of the campers did not. However it was not a pretty big issue as we both do have weak stomach so that's most probably why we could not 'blend' in the food we took the day before. BUT, somehow I've learnt my lesson about journalling on events such as these. I must get it done on the day it happens and it will forever apply the 20-second rule. Get it started and done, or it never will. SO, apologies if there are anything that I have shared with you all that may sound a little quirky or weird. I journalled this few days after the camp. o.o

As I have said before, I do not remember much, so I can't recall when this happened but I am very certain that we were P&W-ing, and the song that was played was Everlasting God by Chris Tomlin. This song is so powerful that it touched me from the inside out and gave me strength, strength to rise as I wait upon the Lord. All these while, I have taken this song more like a praise song and not worship. But on this day, the intense of worship is so strong it shook me when the lyrics, 'You are the Everlasting God, the Everlasting God. You do not fade, You wont grow weary' was sung. To me, it was kind of like a wake-up message or even a slap in a face. This was because all these while, I am afraid to step out of my comfort zone, that is to stand up for my faith when I am facing the outside world alone.

So through this small part of the song itself, God was like trying to tell me exactly what the lyrics of the song has to comply about Him and I understood. I understand that He was everlasting and that He would not grow weary or even fade! But because His words had a huge impact on me and what I have abruptly done to my brains, I fell on my knees, crying. I felt SO sorry that I was denying God's everlasting presence, power and love. I cried and cried asking for forgiveness as I had denied His power and declined my trust in Him to actually help me overcome all obstacles when I'm alone in the outside world. From that on, I kind of labelled myself weak(in a good way) as I myself know I am weak.

When this sort of thinking came across my mind, the lyrics, in its own perfect timing came out 'Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord'. By just hearing this, a light bulb of strength came into me as I realized that God will grant me strength in my times of darkness, sorrow, denial and depression, etc. When I really realized that God can grant me eternal strength, I grew stronger, spiritually and mentally.

When that has struck me, I was still crying, but not as much as before. Slowly, I was led into quietness not by my own will even though the music faded slowly. Then when I was completely quiet for some time, I was rested in the Spirit for a few couple of minutes. I fell on my left side and just luckily enough, I did not hit my head on the wall as I was directly next to it - my head landed on some bags/books.

Although I was rested in the spirit, I was concious of everything that's happening around me(my eyes remained closed). While I was lying at the corner, my limbs were locked shut - I could not move an inch! So not knowing what to do even when having a concious mind, I just continued on praying to God. After a while, the pace of the music that was played suddenly increased quite a lot. Not long, mash-ups of P&W songs were played and the music became faster. Everyone else was joining in the groove and as for me, I could not do anything but continue on praying as I was still locked. Wanting to actually join badly I tried humming but failed as my voice was locked as well!! It really seemed like I was sleeping cause my breathing rate was as of a sleeping person.

The P&W session ended and they made few announcements and informed everyone about quiet time and still, I was there, unable to move. Since it was quiet time and I could not refer to what I've learned that day, I just said simple prayers to God. Not long after that, about 5 minutes or so my muscles started jiggling everywhere and my breathing rate was increasing. I was able to move and I was breathing like a normal awaken person again and since there was about 20 minutes left for quiet time, I decided to join in with everyone else.

However, I seriously could not focus on what I wanted to do. All that time I was only thinking of why I was so static like that and could not even do anything. So basically what came to my thought was that God is trying to tell me that I really should have more quiet moments in prayer with Him. I mean, really. Come to think of it, I was really asking why and I realized that all these time, we have put in most of our time to actually attend ourselves to the worldly things and pleasures, though they are only temporary. And when trials come, we fall. So the point that I think God was trying to tell me is that when you have practised putting in some quiet time with Him, it will eventually become a daily basis. And when it becomes a daily basis, it is easier for you not to fall into traps as your faith is strengthen every time you spend time with Him. And even when you do, its easier for you to conquer it and step up to continue defending your faith. Cause if you don't you will be corrupted and your faith will be shaken. But of course, God loves us so much, He will bring us back up on our feet, in one way or another even though we do not spend much of quiet times with Him. And therefore, we all should also be not ashamed of our GOD. For He is everlasting and everliving. He is omnipotent and omnipresence :)

Day 3(26/1/13)

Okay, so for this day, I have a LOT to write about because many things had happen on this day. But I have chose to write what I think is more worth to share about. So basically, I'm going to split this day into two different parts.

Part One

To share with you a little bit before continuing on with my EWA experience, all these while, I have been wanting to have the gift of vision and the gift of free-movement. I firstly wanted the gift of vision because I wanted to see God, Heaven and all that is in it because I've heard from people that it is a really nice place to be. For the gift of free-movement, I wanted it because I wanted to be cool and awesome like some people who knows how to dance very well by just doing it spontaneously. In fact, what really grew in me was jealousy and I woke up from that when I was in EWA. I don't know how but I suddenly sobered up.

However, I still wanted the gift of free-movement but this time I want to use it for good and not for being proud of it. So during the afternoon P&W session, I decided to choose one but I was still uncertain of which one I should go forth and ask God. I made up my mind and told Him, "Lord, I'm having a tough choice right now and I don't want to choose any more. Whatever that You give me, I accept, whatever You don't give, I understand and obey You."

So then I just worshipped Him like usual. But this time, it really felt different. It wasn't me but all the other campers as well. The aura of worshipping God was there and it was SO powerful it grew and grew every second. Everyone was there to worship God to their fullest. Then there was this beautiful song that has always been in my favourites that came up to play. The song was by Michael W. Smith - Open The Eyes of My Heart. This song has never failed to touch me and again, it did. One very small part of this song says 'I want to see You' touched me that day cause of my longing to actually wanting to see Him. And when I mean I want to see Him, I mean it and I really really do!

I then told the Lord, "GOD, I really Really REALLY WANT to see You!! Be it only a glimpse of Your shadow or Your sweet face. I WANT TO SEE YOU!!" From that on, I kept on telling God I wanted to see Him and I didn't care if I followed the song or not. I continued singing my own prayers and not the words of the song. I know I may sound crazy or a little too demanding, but let me tell you something. God wants to see how much you have put in an effort to actually tell Him that cause He is ever-giving. And so, I put in my faith to tell Him this - tell Him how much I want to see Him as I love Him and He loves me. This is also because I have finally realized that I wanted to see Him more compared to having being doing some free movements on my own(if you get what I mean).

Then there was this one point that I remember repeating the same words all over and over again even though the song played has changed. I kept saying, "Lord, I want to see You." And then it was when it happened when I saw a bright light and an image slowly forming. At first, I thought I was dreaming or something cause I closed my eyes or even thinking it may be the room lights that caused a bright light to appear. But no. Instead, a clear image formed and I could not recognize it at first.

When I realized what it was, I fell on my knees, cried and what I saw before went blank. What I saw was a humongous crowd of people praising and worshipping God to the fullest. You must be wondering, 'Okay, so where did you see Him after seeing a crowd praising Him?' Well, to what I saw, I saw many stairs going up to somewhere which appears to be the stairway to God's throne. Then that was where I saw a man sitting on the throne with the Holy Spirit next to him. And on right his lap, there was a child sitting with Him. So now the question that came up to me is, "WHO is the child there?" I questioned myself this is because the man sitting on the throne looked like Jesus so I was puzzled. But what I had in mind was that the person whom I saw looked like Jesus was God the Almighty Father and the child was Jesus himself.

As I was super uncertain about this, I confronted one of my ministry leaders, Mervyn and told him about this. What he had said could possibility be is what I have exactly in mind!! So from that forth, there was no more doubts and question about this matter. Merv did asked me if there are any other times that I would have seen images like these and I told him yes(I'll get to that soon). Because of this, Merv did advise me to continue praying as this might be the gift of vision or its even trying to tell you or someone else something.

After having confronted Merv, I felt at ease and lighter. I also felt so much lifted up and happy for God has given me a chance to see His glory.

A simple drawing of what I saw :)

p/s: sorry for the bad drawing! not much of an artistic person xD

Part Two 

For this part, I'm clueless of when it happened but I believe it was during the Eucharistic Adoration at night. During the Eucharistic Adoration, there was also confession going on down in the dining room. Since I had not went for confession for almost a year, I was thinking that I might as well go for it as I might not get to confess my sins while I'm studying elsewhere. So after confession, I went back up to join the adoration. Suddenly, I felt like praying for a friend of mine, S as she was very lost in this world and is very prone to be an atheist one day. At that point, there were some songs being played but I paid no attention to it. After thinking that I have played my part in praying for her, I wanted to pray for some others, but I did not know who. So instead of crushing my brains, I joined in the singing instead. 

At that time my hand posture was as of below[The one circled in red].

Till now, I have no clue what the song we sang was(it was my first time singing it) but I can tell you its a very beautiful worship song. Once I had the song in my head, I closed my eyes and sing it from my heart. I remember there was this one part that goes something like 'I will love you so much better everyday' that was repeated all over. Slowly, I put myself into those words and started swaying sweetly from left to right.

Not long after that, I felt like there was a soft swish of cold air on my palms. Soon, I felt like there was someone right in front of me, facing towards me and holding my hands. It really felt like we were dancing a slow, sweet dance. At that point, I also felt peace, love and assurance. That was when I know that God was there with me, inviting me to a dance and I was even dancing with Him! So eventually, I smiled and kept quiet, enjoying that dance.

It so happen that that night we were also talking about sexuality(guys and girls are given separate talks). So I kind of wondered, who will be my love life in the future? Then when this happened, when I was dancing with God, I knew, He was the perfect one for me. He is my TRUE LOVER OF LIFE, my Mr. Right and my everything! Since I was dancing with Him, it came to mind that my God is a very romantic God. <3 So if any of you think your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancé/fiancée or husband/wife is not romantic enough, you can always look for God. TRUST ME, He IS romantic! ;)

**Day 3 Extras**

Throughout this retreat, everyone was told to write affirmation notes to some of our friends so that they know that they are loved and cared for. And since it was the last night of camp, I had many undone ones, about 15 of them and I only had 2 done ones throughout the retreat. You must be thinking, "Nayyy, easy job to do!" But honestly telling you, its not. Cause when you write affirmation notes, it must be words full of wisdom and love, not just some trash can message.

So after supper, it would normally be lights out by 11.30pm but instead, I finished my supper early and went up to the meeting hall to write my affirmation notes. I wrote them in the hall cause it was quieter(most of the campers was at the dining hall) and it was so much easier as I could see the names of the participants and just jot their names on who I would love to write to. In that hall itself, there were only a handful of people - less than 10 I can assure you. The only people who were writing affirmation notes in there was Anthony, Philemon and I and the rest were doing their thing.

Out of the blue, Merv and Karen Lijong started this super random band by playing some songs. I personally think that they were hyper but not drunk. They played some songs and one of it was I KNOW IT and they made it sound SO superbly funny that the three of us(Anthony, Philemon and I) could not stand the laughters in our mouth and burst out laughing to the max. Honestly telling you, I have a high pitched laughter and cheer so the room was filled of mega-sonic-boom of my high pitched laughter. LOL. Also, Anthony commented that this small crowd of people giving cheers is so much better than a big crowd cause we were LOUD&SMALL!!

So when people hear the jam, laughters and cheers, they started coming in. When the room was filled with approximately 25 people, Kelvin Chan[diva daddy] and Natallee[big mama] invited people to come and join in the dance as the song I KNOW IT was played again. Some joined but not many of us did as we stayed back doing affirmation notes like I did. But seeing how funny the crowd everything was, I just laughed along while doing my affirmation notes and the whole campers joined in the party.

I continued on staying back but then my butt, legs and hands got really itchy when the song CHADA was played as it was my favourite! So then I really could not resist it and joined in the dance and fun. From that on, I did not continue on my affirmation notes, instead I joined the party. Just so you know, this party was an unplanned one and isn't even in the schedule. Overall, we finished around 12.30am and the party lasted for 1 1/2 hour(We got so caught up in time)! I was exhausted but I had so much affirmation notes to do, I'd rather prefer to do it in my room. However, the moment I was on my bed, no names could pop out of my head, non at all! Since I was already in my PJs, I chose to sleep rather than going back to the hall to search for names for me to write.

And so, the day ended and we were all exhausted. But then we all enjoyed party-rocking with God late at night, filled full of the Holy Spirit and energy. Again, I'm looking for this party with God again :)

Day 4(27/1/13)

The last day of anything has always been the saddest day to me as the fun we have are all put to memories and as I think of it, its always a bitter-sweet one. However, this time, not at all. Its one of my happiest and most memorable day ever so far. This is because I have received a lot during this retreat and I received so much more again on this last day. In the morning, everyone was like a total zombie and many could not wake up for the morning call due to last night's tiring party. Some remained sleeping until breakfast was over but got up after that.

During our morning worship, Benedict(Ben) challenged all of us - including servants to worship God without using our mouths. He said it like this, "Somewhere in the mere future, our freedom of worshipping our God the Almighty will be taken away from us. We wont be able to listen, read or talk about our God. So then, what are you going to do when this happen? You must find another way of worshipping Him that no other person can understand. And now, I want you to try NOT to sing along to the music. I'm only going to play the music for you but do not use your mouth to worship Him."

When I heard this, I was like, okay, what am I going to do? So then I told the Lord God to help me cause I myself know that this will surely happen in the end. The song played was Hear us from Heaven by Jared Anderson - a powerful prayer song in deed. As a start off, I didn't do much, but I did a little hand movements based on the lyrics and based on how I feel by putting myself into the song. In the beginning, it felt really awkward cause I normally worship along by using my mouth and this time around, I can't. However, I know the most important thing is that you worship God to your fullest of body, spirit, mind and soul.

After a few minutes or so, the actions I did become more and more intense and I would do every action for every word. I was filled full of the Holy Spirit and the actions I did brought out more meaning than it was in the beginning. By now, that awkward feeling was gone and I was filled with confidence, strength and energy. I felt so much lighter and lifted that I was really enjoying myself praising God in that way. Then out of no where, Ben said to everyone, "STOP. Everyone stop. Stop what you are doing right now.But all eyes remained closed."

I was in the midst of enjoying P&W-ing God and so sudden Ben said stop. In me, I was like, "WHYYYYY?!?! :O :O Why stop now, Ben?"

Then Ben said this, "Some of you have found a new way of worshipping God, some of you are on the way and some of you have not found any at all. If you have found a new way, try to find another way. If you are on the way, continue to search. If you have not, don't be weary. Continue to find a way and if it is not easy for you, tell God to help you and He will."

When I heard this, I was like, "OHH, okay. But another way? Hmm, I don't know." So I told God that if He wants me to have another way, so be it but if He wants me to stay put to this one for the moment, I obey as this is His will, not mine. With that, God only made me stick to one alternative way but I am still happy because I know what He has in store for me is good in every way.

During Andre's last session with us, He did not talk and share much to us within one hour. Instead, he used it for P&W. The worship song that was played was Spirit Come and to tell you the truth, I was not in the mood of singing so I used what I had learn earlier on as a worship for that song. There was this one part of the song that repeatedly sings SPIRIT COME. 

For this part of the song, my hands were lifted high up like this picture.

What I did was gesturing the Holy Spirit to come into me by withdrawing my hands back and forth from the hand position like the picture above. Also, I looked up into the sky, but with eyes closed as it reminds that Heaven is always above of me. I kept repeating and repeating that same movement for almost every other different words.

Then, the same thing happened, a bright light appeared and again I thought it was the room light. But then an image slowly formed. It looked like an upward ending in no where and it was superbly bright. For some time, I adored the structure of the tunnel as it was beautiful and I was still doing the same hand gesturing. After a while, I saw something like a small black dot growing bigger and bigger. I was puzzled. "What is that?!" I thought. But sooner, as the dot became bigger and clearer, it seemed to be like a man coming down from the tunnel. I noticed he has wings, was in a long robe and was reaching out on to me. I also saw his sweet face with a pleasant smile. I was quite stunt for a while with what I saw thinking that my vision was blur or something.

But then it got closer and I fell onto my knees.

In my head, I was like "OMG OMG, what was that? What was that?!?!" Sure enough I was gasping for air like a mad woman for I was quite in a total shock. Once I came to a more logic mind, I asked myself, "Was that an angel just now?" And I was not sure about it at all. But then I praise God for letting me able to see His wonders and for sending me His angel. And so, when all things made sense for that little moment, I laughed like a kid having fun being tickled by so many people. That cheerful laugh was what I gave to God because I was happy. I cried and laughed with joy. While I was laughing, I also told God how honoured I was for being able to see His wonderful works as not many people can. Even though I'm not worthy, but with such great love, God still gives us what we hunger for. Seriously, I can tell you I was like laughing so happily, I wanted to jump up and down the room. LOL :)

A simple drawing of the vision I saw that day.

p/s: sorry for the bad drawing! not much of an artistic person xD

As I was still unsure of what or who the man is, I approached Andre at the end of the retreat. I described to him what I saw and said, "Is it an angel or the Holy Spirit?" I asked this because what I saw looked like an angel but I was hand-gesturing to Spirit Come. So I was confused and thus, I asked him. Then Andre told me that it was the Holy Spirit that came down because I was inviting Him to come into me, and so He did. From then on I felt more relieved, knowing what it really was and thus, I went back home happier than ever.

And just so if you forget, this is why Merv told me to pray about it. So for the moment, I'm still unsure, but the best is yet to come. Time will come and eventually I will know whether it is the gift or vision or not. :)

-Thank you for reading! God bless! :)

-btw, sorry for a very long post. hehe ;)