During this seminar, many unbelievable things had indeed happened but now, I am only going to share about one special part in which opened up my mind, body, soul and spirit fully. And it will be something I'll never forget, ever.
These two days had been a day in which we focused on the Holy Spirit and invite Him to come. And on the last intense worship session on the last day, I too continued to invite Him in my life; to make me anew. I knew that I had always told God that I want to lift my life in His hands and this time I asked... but a little more differently. I asked, "Lord, what are Your plans for me in this life I'm living? I know You have called me to serve Your people and help them which is why I'm in a nursing school. BUT, apart from all those, what is the main concern You want me to do? I really don't know but I surrender it all to You for it is Your will be done, not mine."
Time passed as the worship leader talked about broken marriage due to adultery, sex before marriage, etc. and said that we should repent if we are involved in it. But one thing struck me right before my mind. It was something I never at all had in mind to think of. The worship leader said "God is calling some of you to live holy lives...." Those were the only words I could catch and a sudden burst of loud laughter came from inside of me. When I mean loud, I really mean LOUD. The whole hall was filled with my laughter amidst the music played, and the sound of people worshipping.
What happened was I had a deep flashback of all my 19 years of living. You see, I was the only one in my family who would be questioned so much about my faith. I remembered I was always being called "the VERY Holy Person" in class. People would come to me and question my faith. They would often ask, "Why are you so holy?" "Why cant you be more ordinary in person?" "Do you always go to church or do you even go to church everyday?" "Do you not have a life?" "Who is Jesus to you and why is He so marvellous in your belief?" "Why does Jesus have to die on the cross for you?".....and the list goes on. But these were questions asked before I was baptised in 2006. After being baptised, the questions got a lot more trickier and harder to explain to make them understand.
Throughout my 19 years of living, I have had always asked God one question everyday. WHY ME? I did not understand why it has to be me among all my siblings and relatives, and among all my friends. I ask this question everyday because I was fed up of all those bombarding questions that hits me every time. I did not mind answering if I knew the answer but, those that ask would never give up asking more questions.
For instance, they ask a question and I explain it so clearly but yet they do not understand. If they do, they would ask more questions just to confuse me about my faith. But there were many times I would just fail myself and God for either not being able to explain it more clearly or answering the question, or simply just giving up halfway. When incidence like these happens, my day would get ruined and the only thing on my mind was to get home. All I wanted was some time alone in my room to forget about this.
Yet in my room I constantly ask God non-stop why does it have to be me? Why can't you choose others. Practically this was the feeling of rejection that haunted me for many many years. Try imagine if you were in my shoes for 19 years. People would ask about Jesus Christ and comes haunting for you for answers and only you; no one else. They only want to seek the answers from you. Do you not feel fed up or annoyed? Well, that was what I felt. But for some reason, I never stopped answering these questions although I was all fed up for a long 19 years of life.
Something kept me strong and kept me away from disbelieving. But the questions I had in mind always still remained. I wanted to know if God has any calling for me in life. I have tried to find this answer since I was 15 or 16 and nothing came by up to all those years of trying. I was tired, almost giving up.... till I attended this FIRE Weekend.
With all these flashbacks running through my mind, at that moment, I did not know what else to do. I was not in control of myself and so I laughed and laughed and laughed. With my eyes closed, I did not care what others thought of me but continued what I was doing; laughing. This laughter is not just an ordinary laughter. Rather, it was a laughter of joy, peace, love, blessing and relief. After so many years of asking that same questions, an answer finally stood up. And the answer was to carry on and live this holy life.
How? That's the next interesting question, but I do not have that answer at hand for the moment. I do not know how to even start of this new life. But what I know is that there will be many more challenges for me ahead and it will get tougher and trickier as the days pass. There will be times of trials and temptations but that will not stop me from living this new life; this holy life.
The only thing I can do now is to keep on praying and stay strong in the faith of God for He is my strength and my refuge. From this day onwards, as I said YES to take up my cross and follow Him, I shall not be afraid but trust in the Lord Our God, as stated in Mark 5:36; Do not fear, just believe.
A gentle reminder.... :)
Thank you for reading... God bless! :)
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